Careful With That Axe, Luigi
by Solitary Shadow
Summary: Now, Luigi, you can do whatever you want with that thing. Chop down something. Stick it on the wall. Eat it if you want. Anything, Luigi, as long as you keep that axe away from me. For the Secret Santa Challenge. Meta Knight x Kirby, Samus x Snake hints.


**Disclaimer:** Brawl copyright to Nintendo, the characters copyright to Konami, Nintendo and SEGA.

**Author's Note:** This took a surprisingly long time to write. I remember starting this back in the 5th of December and only just finished it. But I'm quite happy with how this turned out - completely surreal and cracky. Not to mention kind of Christmas-y as well.

This was done for Star's Secret Santa Challenge. It's a gift to SmashIdiotRin, and contains Meta Knight x Kirby and hints of Snake x Samus. Oh, and crack. It also describes one of my most hated stages... man, I hate Green Greens. Extremely.

Merry Christmas!

* * *

Luigi hated Green Greens more than anything else.

Not only did first-time Smashers associate the dreadful stage with him just by its name (green was always a prominent feature when it came to his clothing), he swore that every stage element in the arena had something against him. Not only did his attacks always connect with bomb-blocks when he was trying to do something, but Whispy Woods would always drop apples on his head and take the opportunity to blow in his direction when he was trying to set up a strategy. It didn't make his brawls any easier even when Whispy Woods was being quiet; for some reason, whenever he brawled there, he always lost. No exceptions.

Perhaps there was a curse on the place, he thought; but not even assuming such things helped him, as he became more and more depressed as he thought about it. There was nothing he could do to modify the arena, as it didn't even belong in his world. In short, it was tough, but he was going to have to grin and bear it.

So as the days went by, his suppressed anger and despair grew, eventually leading up to the events that occurred a fortnight before Christmas Day...

* * *

"He loves me... he loves me not... he loves me..."

Meta Knight sighed as he picked off another yellow petal and kept on going. He was sitting on the floor of the main cabin, attempting a solo cruise on the Halberd; he was doing fine, and had just passed over Smashville after putting the ship on autopilot. Unbeknownest to him, the residents of said village were currently screaming, fainting and frothing at the mouth at the sight of something so huge and threatening towering over the skies. Even the famed, calm-minded barista of The Roost (Smashville's only cafe), aptly named Brewster, only narrowly managed to avoid falling into the fireplace and turning into roast pigeon at the terrifying sight.

Not like such things were within Meta Knight's interests right now, though.

He sighed and drew a hand over his eyes. He'd been doing this for the past half hour; he wasn't used to 'mushy' things such as this, and didn't really feel comfortable doing it at all. But he had to try to let his emotions out somehow; otherwise, what else could he do? He'd seen many women do this, and as pointless as he thought the whole business, nothing was stopping him from trying it out for himself.

But nobody had ever told him not to try 'he loves me, he loves me not' with a dandelion.

Meta Knight tossed the flower on the floor. He was definitely _not_ going to pick every single blessed petal to find out whether the object of his affections loved him back; he had a job to steer his ship and keep watch. He walked over to the wheel and turned off the autopilot mode, starboarding ten degrees. As he did so, he let his gaze hover in the distance, searching for anything that might prove to be a hazard or threat. It helped keep his mind off things.

Something buzzed underneath the Halberd. He initially paid no mind to it; however, when he dipped lower beneath the clouds, he could hear the noise growing louder, eventually forming into barely distinguishable words.

"... brawl... Greens... Pit versus Kirby... please standby..."

Meta Knight's usually emotionless eyes widened. Kirby had a brawl scheduled? How did he manage to miss _that_? He quickly brought up a screen that both served as a navigation map and a live camera feed of Green Greens - and sure enough, Kirby was standing on one side of the stage, while Pit stood on the other. Both looked very determined - especially the former, which was remarkable since the puffball usually didn't have enough fierceness in him to look like such.

The masked knight smiled to himself. He could allow himself a small detour, couldn't he? Swerving towards the right, he put the airship on autopilot and began to slowly make his way to Green Greens. While the Halberd was flying, he could watch the brawl from his screen. Perfect.

As the match begun, Pit loaded an arrow in his bow and fired in Kirby's direction; the pink spirit merely sidestepped and jumped over the blocks falling from the sky. Pit followed suit soon afterwards just as Whispy Woods started to blow a gust of wind to their left. This proved to be an advantage for Kirby, as the angel was pushed away from the pink puffball; whilst Pit was struggling against the wind, he was swallowed up and promptly spat out again. Kirby floated up to the falling blocks and began to guard his position, shooting arrows using his newly-gained powers.

"Go, Kirby!" Meta Knight urged from the Halberd. As much as he didn't want to admit it, _Kirby_ was the object of his affections; at first, the pink spirit hadn't been anything more than his student. He taught Kirby ways of life and how to survive on the battlefield. The puffball did as he was told. Simple. However, as time passed, Meta Knight became more and more proud of Kirby, and had gained a kind of love for him as well. He liked having the puffball around him even when they weren't fighting against one another. And that, indeed, was saying a _lot_ for the usually-lone Smasher. Everything about the pink puffball that had annoyed the knight in the past seemed adorable; Meta Knight wasn't sure why he felt that way, and wasn't about to reveal it to anyone just now, but he knew that he was falling hard for Kirby either way.

He realized he hadn't been paying attention to the brawl during the last few minutes. He quickly looked up - just in time to see Kirby trying to attack as Whispy Woods spontaneously decided to drop apples on him. Startled, he hesitated for a second - which was more than enough time for Pit to fire his arrows and throw a punch in his direction. As the tree began to blow in Kirby's direction (the poor spirit struggling to get free), the angel took his chance to smash him into the bomb-blocks.

_Ouch_.

Kirby was blasted out just as the timer counted down to zero; a scream sounded from the sidelines just as Master Hand announced 'Game!', ensuring Pit's victory.

No.

It couldn't be.

"... Poyo...?"

Kirby whimpered softly as he looked up into the leafy branches of Whispy Woods; the tree remained completely oblivious, ignoring the pink puffball. Had Whispy Woods not intervened, he could have won the brawl easily. He sniffed and rubbed his forehead with a short stump of an arm as Meta Knight watched him from approximately a thousand feet up above, his mouth agape. Kirby got back up on his two feet, wiping off tears of pain and confusion as he began shuffling back to the hotel.

"The one hundred and forty-sixth brawl in Green Greens has ended with Pit's victory... next up-"

Meta Knight switched off the video screen and threw the remote at it, the device clattering uselessly on the floor as he turned away. He was breathing hard, his fists clenched subconsciously in anger - he couldn't stand to listen to any more. All he could think of was one thing.

Whispy Woods had made Kirby cry.

And the damned apple tree would pay.

* * *

"This place's been getting way too cold recently," Snake complained as he crouched by the fire and poked it glumly with a poker. "look at this. We can't roast anything here. It's barely enough to keep us mildly warm, let alone give us some decent heat."

"I don't see Master Hand doing anything about that," Samus replied as she fed Pikachu on her lap. "I already asked. I didn't get through."

Snake stood up and dusted his hands, replacing the poker in its proper place. While doing so, he surveyed the occupants of the room. "I'm going to Smashville. I can't stay here - it's too damned cold, won't you agree?"

"It's minus four degrees Celcius outside, Snake. What kind of sense does going out in that weather make?"

"Brewster's place is warm, isn't it? I fancy a coffee. I'll pay, if you want to come along."

"Well, I'll join you," the bounty hunter commented silkily as she stood up with Pikachu in her arms. "I'll just take him back to my suite. Meet you at the lobby." Samus then left the room without waiting for a further answer. The mercenary chuckled to himself before he looked over at the only other occupant of the room.

"Coming, Luigi? There's a new type of coffee available."

Luigi flicked to the next page of his book, shaking his head. "Wouldn't want to interrupt your chance with Samus. Have a nice time, and don't mention anything about your box or eating Yoshi in front of her, okay?"

The mercenary laughed good-naturedly and ruffled the young plumber's hair on the way out. "You said it."

The door clicked shut behind him, and Luigi was left alone. He snuggled into the small blanket that he'd brought from his own room; it was very small, but very cosy and soft. He sighed and nuzzled into the armchair as he turned another page in his book. He sure did like his time alone, without any brawls nor unnecessary arguments with other Smashers.

Little did he know that it wouldn't last very long.

"Luigi!" a rather angered voice sounded from the doorway; Luigi looked up from his book to find Meta Knight standing there, breathing heavily. He momentarily tensed, wondering what business the masked knight wanted with him and what he had done wrong - but when he put down the book and gave the knight his full attention, it was evident that Meta Knight wasn't angry with him. Rather, he seemed both frustrated and vengeful towards something else-

"I need your help." Meta Knight walked inside, his voice sounding tight and strained. He didn't like asking for help from anyone, although the occasion demanded it this time.

Luigi blinked.

"With what, may I ask?"

"I need you to help me take vengeance."

"I don't understand you," the younger Mario brother said, perplexed. "vengeance towards _what_? Or who? If it's a personal grudge, then there really isn't any need for me, is there?"

Meta Knight smiled rather painfully, sitting down on the floor. "Ah, but it's not so much a personal grudge... because the object of my hate and anger happens to be a certain tree in Green Greens."

Luigi sat up straight, his gaze sharper. "Now _that's_ different. Consider me in."

* * *

After half an hour, Meta Knight had made sure that the green-clad plumber was well-informed of the reasons for his sudden hate for Whispy Woods. He had told the other about his experience aboard the Halberd that afternoon (sans the detail of the dandelion petals), and seemed perfectly fine with admitting that he was really quite smitten with Kirby. Luigi, as bewildered as he felt, couldn't help but admire the masked knight for that.

"... so that's why you want Whispy Woods eliminated."

Meta Knight nodded. "I know that your hatred for that tree is beyond legendary proportions. That's why I came to find you. I figured you'd like a chance to maul Whispy Woods - and since I'm here, you could take your anger out on it all you want and nobody would say anything. Let's face it, who needs that tree anyway? The stage is challenging enough with those blocks."

"That's certainly very tempting, but we need to plan first. Brainstorm?"

"Brainstorm."

However, it was true that neither of the two actually had much idea what to do; Meta Knight had sought Luigi's help due to a spontaneous, personal vendetta (that he just happened to share with the other), and hadn't thought much about how to get rid of the tree. As for the younger Mario brother, he had previously entertained wild, violent thoughts of chopping down Whispy Woods and burning it until it was nothing more than ashes - but knew that such acts would definitely get him marked as psychotic. Not a good move.

Ah, if had he known!

"Herbicide?" Meta Knight suggested as he wrote down said word in a notepad. "I think that just might kill it off completely in the long run."

"I don't think that's a good idea. I don't have anything against the grass surrounding it. And besides... what if it starts attacking us with apples?"

"Fair point." the masked knight sighed and crossed out a few notes. "what shall we do, then?"

Luigi then invented the light bulb and hung it over his head.

"Tell you what, let's take all the apples from Whispy Woods first," he exclaimed. "think about it! It's bearing its last crop for the year this week, and those apples are the only ones that will grow this winter. If we take it all from the tree... why, it's one less way of attacking us, isn't it? Afterwards I'll carve my initials five times on the bark in seven-inch letters before doing anything else to it."

"That's a good idea, actually," Meta Knight agreed. "if we ever need money to support us we can make cider out of some and sell them. I bet we'll be able to sell some to Brewster, certainly, and there are some Smashers who like their alcohol-"

"-and we'll leave some over for you, Kirby and the kids. Those apples never rot, so you can bribe Kirby as long as you want. Then you'll be able to ensure that he keeps on liking you - the way to his heart is through his stomach, won't you agree?" he gazed at the clock briefly. "... we haven't much time, you know, if you want to carry on with this. All we have is today. Green Greens will be busy for the next two weeks, and by then it'll be Christmas. And I say, I really don't fancy crawling around only at night to get apples."

Meta Knight smiled. "So be it, then. We should approach from above. You get the cotton sacks, I'll bring over the Halberd."

* * *

Of course, this was a very woolly plan. Even the two had to agree to the fact that this was not a permanent solution - but it seemed like the very best idea at the time. They didn't want to get pelted by apples or be blown away by wind before they carried out their plans. Trying to do anything else to the tree in one swoop was not realistic at this point, so they decided to wait it out a little and go for the apples instead.

And at first, the plan worked very well.

The stage was completely vacant when they entered. The sun was setting, the weather breezy - the latter proved to be the one factor that they should have considered in advance, but that was the furthest thing away from their minds as they hovered over the tree. Meta Knight threw a rope ladder down, and Luigi clambered down silently as a mouse right onto the branches of Whispy Woods itself.

The tree stayed immobile.

Luigi had bound a few cotton sacks around his stomach; they were empty, thin and long enough to circle his (quite slim) waist a few times now, but when they were full of apples, it would be a different story. He untied one quickly, and then set to work, crawling about the branches and picking the red fruit. They were ripe and large; having missed out on his dinner, Luigi couldn't resist taking a bite or two out of an apple as he worked. Or even more than a bite or two. Before long he'd finished off the fruit right down to the core.

"Mmm," he murmured as he tossed the apple core to the ground. The green-clad plumber tied the top of the cotton sack in a knot before he climbed up to the very top of the tree - when he waved his hand, Meta Knight tossed a rope from the Halberd. He tied the end of the rope around the sack before letting go and waving his hand again. Upon his signal, the masked knight hurled the sack back up. All of this was done without any speech, and the two only exchanged brief signals between Luigi's work. For a further twenty minutes, Luigi carried on with the apple raid, all the while managing to keep Whispy Woods from noticing their presence. He filled three more cotton sacks during this time. After he had sent up the third, he sat down and took a quick break, his breath misting in the breeze. Luigi cupped his numb hands over his mouth, trying to warm them up a little - how he wished he could be back in his suite with a cup of coffee! Shaking his head, he stood and got to work again.

However, disaster struck soon enough.

A stray apple on the far side was just out of Luigi's reach; if he picked that one, he would be done with about half the tree itself. He supported himself on a thick branch, and lay flat, crawling slowly across said branch and trying to get to the fruit.

"Come on..." he muttered. "just a little more..."

Alas for him, in his frantic attempt to get to the apple, Luigi hadn't paid attention to the smaller, weaker twigs under his body; he had failed to realize that those could never support his weight. Just as he was about to grasp at the fruit, the twigs gave way below him, and he hurtled straight downwards with a yelp; the sack of apples dropped down beside him with a loud thud that was more than enough to wake Whispy Woods from its slumber.

It was merciless from the very beginning.

The younger Mario brother screamed as the tree began to shake its branches violently, dropping apples on his already bruised and sore body; he tried to shield his face at least from the shower of fruit, but in his current state, it didn't give him any comfort. The breeze (now stronger) wasn't helping either; it rustled the branches even more wildly, the delicate stems of the heavy apples snapping off with an unpleasant crack and crashing down onto Luigi's helpless body.

"Get me out of here!" he screamed as loud as he could, trying to crawl frantically away from the apple tree. Meta Knight quickly ran towards the main control room to try to steer the Halberd downwards and pick the green-clad plumber up - but he wasn't nearly fast enough. Whispy Woods sucked in its breath and completely _blasted_ Luigi off the stage before Meta Knight even got to the steering wheel. Needless to say, the green-clad plumber rolled across the ground in a helpless wreck, his clothes torn and stained with mud and apple juice, bruised all over before the Halberd swooped down, grabbed him with one long claw, and dragged him away to safety.

"Luigi, are you all right?"

"All right? You call this _all right_?" Luigi cried as he heaved himself up on his elbows and staggered across the floor. Meta Knight said nothing more and began to steer the ship back towards the hotel; they'd had quite enough, and it was priority to get the plumber back rather than trying anything else.

"Let's get you to Dr. Mario first-"

"No, I'm fine...!" the plumber protested weakly, but soon lay limp and still, feeling utterly exhausted. Their plan had only partly succeeded - he hated himself for being careless, for failing to notice those little twigs below him. If he'd been a little more careful...

Luigi suddenly squinted at the scenery below them, and nudged Meta Knight slightly. "Can you get Green Greens on radar?"

The masked knight complied, displaying an image of Whispy Woods up on the screen; the tree seemed largely unharmed and unconcerned, save for the apples that had fallen all around it. But wait... were those apples arranged in some kind of sign? They traced strangely familiar shapes... the younger Mario brother's lips moved silently as he worked out what each faint shapes and lines looked like. Meta Knight glanced over, and stayed completely frozen, mouth open.

"Oh... God." he whispered.

The apples spelled out '_Sucks to you, Loser'_.

Alright

That

Was

It.

"That tree must die!" Luigi screamed, half insane as the Halberd finally landed on the hotel grounds. He stormed straight into the lobby closet, pushing past the people around him (provoking a few screams). He really should have followed his original idea in the first place instead of messing with the apples. Determined, the green-clad plumber closed his hands on the first thing he saw; a huge wooden-handled axe. "to Green Greens, Meta Knight!"

"Damn right!" Meta Knight shouted as he ran after Luigi, brandishing his trusty Galaxia in front of him, swiping at anything he considered to be 'in his way'. They ran across the lobby, attracting gazes of the curious (disturbed?) stares from the other Smashers.

"Careful with that axe, Luigi." Snake called calmly after the younger Mario brother, sipping Pina Colada and turning the pages of a book called 'Confessions of a Box-a-holic'.

* * *

"It sure is warm today," Master Hand remarked as he sat in his room. "Crazy? Why do you suppose that is?"

"It has to be hamsters," the other Hand replied with deadly seriousness. "either that, or the cider Luigi brought up two hours ago. I don't know. We could both be roasting in the fireplace for all we know, ke-ke-ke..."

The truth of the matter was connected to Whispy Woods, of course; Luigi and Meta Knight had both agreed to chopping their 'victim' up and providing more firewood for the entire hotel two weeks prior. They had contemplated putting it up as a Christmas tree, but there was already one in the lobby and they didn't want the two to overlap. Surprisingly, not many Smashers seemed to notice the absence of the tree in Green Greens; the ones who did also didn't seem to care that much. And nobody, even after witnessing Luigi and Meta Knight running out of the lobby with an axe, questioned who actually had gotten rid of the tree. Not even Kirby and Dedede seemed to notice, and this was saying a lot.

Kirby toddled down the hallway, nibbling on an apple that Meta Knight had given him. As much as he liked fruit, the aforementioned knight was being _way_ too nice to him lately-

"Well, hello, Kirby," the puffball stopped and turned around. Meta Knight stood there, apparently in a good mood, a sprig of something green in one of his hands. He wasn't holding his trusty Galaxia and he appeared perfectly relaxed - well, wasn't that odd? Kirby tilted his head slightly in question.

"Poyo?"

"This plant? It's called a mistletoe," Meta Knight explained. "and no, you don't eat it."

Kirby yawned. If that 'mistletoe' couldn't be eaten, it probably wasn't worth bothering with. However, the masked knight wasn't going to let the pink puffball pass him by that easily. "Listen, Kirby, I know I've been teaching you fighting techniques for a long time now... but it does get a bit boring, doesn't it, just meeting up so that we can beat up each other? The Brawl tournament doesn't help that very much either, although God knows, I'm proud of you! So what I'm trying to say is... um... well..." had that mask been off his face, Kirby would have seen his mentor blushing a fiery red. "... want to go out with me sometime? We don't have to go far... I'll take you around the Halberd too. We can have a picnic together-"

At the mention of the word 'picnic', Kirby brightened and chirped happily, clinging to the masked knight. Although initially surprised, Meta Knight took the opportunity to lift the mistletoe above them and give the pink spirit a huge smooch on the mouth (as best as he could).

"Poyo?"

"I love you too," Meta Knight exclaimed happily. "come on then, let's go and have some lunch!" without waiting for a reply, he grasped Kirby's arm gently and began to walk towards the dining hall. Kirby followed along, blinking his wide eyes in confusion, but then decided that he shouldn't worry too much about what was going on. After all, there was food involved.

Meanwhile, three floors above them, three Smashers were sitting by the fire, drinking and talking loudly amongst themselves.

"This is great cider," Captain Falcon said as he took another swig out of the mug. "fine-quality apples, too. Where did you get it?"

"Brewster, I bet," Snake put in as he poured himself some more. His voice was lightly slurred. "I had some of this yesterday. Good stuff, too - cheers to you, Luigi, for getting it all the way from Smashville. I don't know how you snuck out to buy this, but it was certainly an act of genius..."

Luigi just smiled.


End file.
